Cancer Patient Etiquette: A Guide

I have wanted to write a post about cancer patient and family etiquette for some time now.  Quite frankly people just do not know how to respond to sickies.  I know I didn’t before I got cancer and even now I sometimes catch myself slipping into that nervous anxiety about where to look and what to say to other sick people and their families.  I guess we all just need to put ourselves in a position to understand.  The best way to do that is to speak up.  So I’m speaking up as a cancer patient and a person whose doom is imminent (I guess this is true of all people really. I’ve just always wanted to use the words imminent and doom in a sentence…).

If you are not a cancer patient and no one has recently foretold your demise, then I suggest you speak up by asking questions.  Honestly, please ask me!  It is so much better than uncomfortably avoiding real conversation or awkward silences.  I don’t usually mind and if I do mind, I will tell you.  So go ahead!  I have talked to so many other current and past cancer patients about this issue.  Being sick is isolating and part of the reason that this is true is because people are afraid to talk to you.  People don’t want to inadvertently hurt others.  While this is wonderfully kind and gives me hope for the human race, it is also counterproductive.  By trying to avoid hurting us in the first place, you just make us feel more alone.  This is no good.  Ask questions and get answers. 

Another issue is eye contact.  Aside from avoiding conversation topics, people tend to avoid looking at cancer patients.  I think this stems from our parents telling us how rude it is to stare at others.  Technically, it is rude.  However, I would rather you stare at me and ask me questions than try to interact with me as little as possible.  This time around things are better for me because my hair is not likely to fall out and I have very few outward signs of illness.  However, many cancer patients or other sickies tend to have very obvious signs that they are not healthy; be it baldness, scars, a mask, or missing limbs.  It is so sad when no one will look at you, talk to you, or touch you.  I beg of you, go ahead and stare.  At least it means I exist.  Again, if it bothers me, I will let you know.  Communication is a wonderful thing, my friends.  I am not afraid to use it. 

As an ESL instructor I’ve given more grammar lessons than I can count. That being said, even native English speakers need a grammar lesson every now and then.  Verb tenses can be confusing, but let us all remember that the simple past should only be used to describe or discuss actions that have already been completed.  So to quote the mighty words of Monty Python, “I’m not dead yet!”  Please don’t say things like, “It was a pleasure knowing you” or “I was so happy to have been your friend” or “You had so much ahead of you” or “You had so much promise.”   I mean really people.  I should hope that it is still a pleasure to know me and to be my friend.  Unless I did something to offend you and then that’s fine, though I would sincerely wish that you talk to me instead of terminating our friendship.  I also have faith that there are still things ahead of me and that I am still promising.  Sure I’m dying, but I am currently alive and hope to accomplish as much of a future as I can.  I will continue trying to live my life even if I only live five years or twenty. 

On the dying note (remember, dying not dead), I will and do make a great number of off-color death and cancer jokes.  I want you to know that it is okay to laugh.  I can’t do too much about this so I might as well laugh about it.  Besides, I’d rather die laughing than doing anything else (see what I did there?).  Again, it is okay to laugh.  We all cope with things differently and my method of coping is an insane amount of potentially politically incorrect jokes.  However, if it makes you uncomfortable, say something.  I understand.  I won’t necessarily stop, but I will tone it down around you.  You really don’t need to feel bad about it. If you choose to make a joke, I won’t be upset either.  Actually it makes me feel more comfortable knowing that you’re comfortable enough to joke about it too.  If you offend me, I will tell you.  Until then, keep laughing.  It’s better than the sad face.

Speaking of the sad face, let me explain to you exactly what that face is.  It is the face that people come up to you with that says, “I’m so sorry you’re dying and have cancer and I know I’m supposed to look very serious and sad when I talk to you so I’m trying extra hard to look sympathetic.”  PLEASE STOP!  I know that you care.  You do not have to try so hard to show me.  I appreciate it to no end, but it’s depressing (pun intended).  I know that you are sad.  Cancer sucks and dying really sucks.  I am aware.  You don’t need to be extra hard on yourself.  You can hug me all you want (seriously, I love hugs…), cry if you need to, be sad, and you can tell me you’re sorry but you do not have to try to look extra sad.  I will definitely believe that you are sorry regardless of whether you “look” sorry.  I believe in taking people at face value.  Perhaps that’s not the best choice of words to use here, but you know what I mean.

The last thing that really gets to me and to my family is the assumption that I and my family should bunker down and wallow in sadness.  We are certainly sad, but we have chosen to enjoy what time we have left together.  I am allowed to continue to live and so are they.  They do not have to nor should they be expected to drop everything that they love to do simply to sit at home and wait for me to die.  They are going to continue to go out with friends, enjoy parties, go to work, and generally just have a good time.  It would be so hard on me to think that they wouldn’t live their lives or be happy just because of me.  On that note, it would be difficult for me not to live my life just because my body decided to stage a civil war.  I am capable of doing things.  My doctor told me recently that I could and should get a job before I went crazy.  Many people with cancer do continue to work while receiving treatment.  Cancer doesn’t mean incapable.  It just means that some things can be a little tough.  I believe someone told me that the hard things in life are those most worth doing.  It seems to me that if cancer makes life hard, then life is worth doing.  Bam! logic!

So there you have it, a fool proof guide to treating cancer patients and their families like human beings.  Essentially what it breaks down to is ask questions, acknowledge our existence, expect us to live our lives and pay attention to your verb tenses.  I am a person and I will continue to live until I am not. 

*If anyone else has any good suggestions or pet peeves considering the treatment of those who currently qualify as unhealthy, please write them in the comment section below.   I appreciate any advice that could potentially help others.

Unexpected Surprises

I was so excited for this cancerversary.  I had already started writing my blog about how happy I was with the reconstructive surgery and my wonderful, new job in China.  I was super excited about my improved body image and ready to share my happiness with all of you.  Unfortunately, all that ended with the onslaught of intense stomach pain.  I finally went to the emergency room with a couple of friends of mine.  Following this experience came a total of five days in and out of a Chinese hospital (NEVER AGAIN) for tests and conversations with doctors.  They all explained that there was something in my stomach and that it looked like cancer.  That’s it, I was on a plane home four days later and had blood tests and a PET scan scheduled by the oncologist immediately after I returned.  Yep, my cancer is back and this time it’s stage four.  My oncologist explained to me that I probably only had 1-3 years to live and to be prepared for that.  So, yeah, apparently Sven was just biding his time and had tucked evil, alien babies away to surprise attack later.

So let me just take a moment to explain how I feel about this whole situation and if you do not appreciate foul language I suggest you skip this paragraph.  Fuck cancer, fuck it all.  I am not exactly sad so much as pissed.  While many people are greatly saddened by this news, I am just mad.  I’m not mad because I’m dying.  I’m mad because I have too much to do.  I am going to do something with my life.  I was going to run a marathon before I’m thirty , I was going to get my PHD and do research that changes the way we see the world and now cancer is all, “Ah ha ha ha ha, I’ll get you my pretty and your little dreams too.”  Fuck you cancer.  This isn’t the end though.  I still have 1-3 years definitely and maybe more.  Honestly, I’m going to try for the more because I have something better than hope.  I have this little thing called drive.  Ambition and stubbornness fuels my life force and that’s something that not even stage four cancer can take away from me.  I will –literally- die fighting and reaching for my goals.  I may not get into grad school (I mean who would accept a dying student?), but I will strive to meet as many new goals as I can.  I will win.  Even if I die, I win.  There is no losing when the stakes are this high.

As for what I’ve done with my time since finding out?  Well, I have taken some time to relax and be at home.  My stomach is in a lot of pain and so is my lower back (thank you alien tumor babies) and I get tired after thirty minutes or so of moving around.  So, yes, relaxation and pajamas have been my friends.  However, I have also spent a great deal of time reconnecting with the people I love and soaking in everyone’s support.  This is far more healing than the pain killers they gave me and I am, once again, struck by how wonderful humanity is.   I also purchased a puppy.  She will be here on Friday and I couldn’t be happier!  I little bit of adorable puppiness can only be a good thing at this point.  Maybe I have been a little bit selfish this week, but I truly appreciate the selflessness of all of you.   Thank you so much and welcome to my battlefield.  

Happy Cancerversary!!

It has been exactly one year since I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Needless to say, this year has been more than a little bit stressful.  I did get the chance to explore myself in a way that I have never thought possible. I know exactly who I am, who I want to be, and what I want to do with my life.  I recognize that some of these things change as time goes on and I have slowly come to accept the fact that I do, in fact, have time. 

For about five months now I have been teaching English in a small town in China.  I am incredibly happy here and truly appreciate the opportunity that I have been given.  I believe that it has been good for me to get away from cancer (if that makes any sense).  Even though thoughts about cancer are constantly on my mind, I get to be in a place where very few people know about what has happened to me in the last year.  I get to be a “new person.”  This has really helped me move on with my life and begin to accept that it is okay to have dreams. 

There are, however, a few things that are still hard for me and that may take years for me to get over.  I think that the biggest and most likely never ending part of this experience is fear.  Before the cancer, fear was something I felt, but I don’t think it was ever chronic nor did I consistently understand exactly what I was afraid of and why.  Now I know.  I am not afraid of dying, but what I will leave behind.  I am afraid of hurting those who have impacted me in some way or another.  I am afraid of living a life of pain; one that focuses on my physicality and my sadness or the sadness of others.  Although, being afraid is a terrible thing, it is not that bad.  Actually, it has allowed me to truly value my life and the lives of others.  I see kindness and love everywhere I go, and that is no small feat in a world filled with terror, anger, and hate.  I think that it is most important in times like these to recognize the value of kindness and the importance of experiencing others.  This makes life valuable and worth living regardless of how long or short it is.  Although I don’t have cancer any more, it really seems like the experience never ends whether it is impacting my thoughts, emotions, or my body. 

Recently, my reconstruction began to fail.  My chest expander leaked for some reason and my right breast began shrinking.  This has always been a risk and it was one that I was willing to take.  However, it is upsetting.  I know it’s silly, but the fact that I will have to take either a part of my back or my stomach to help create a new breast is super upsetting to me (let’s hope for the free tummy tuck shall we?).  Part of the problem is that I now I have to start all over again and have two separate surgeries a year apart to recreate my breast.  The biggest part of the problem, which I am somewhat ashamed of, is that I will have more scars and that it will be two years before I get any sort of breast.  It is ridiculous that a person who has been given a second chance at life (as corny as that sounds, it’s true) should be so upset about this.  I, who have found strength in myself that I never knew that I had before, am still concerned about how others think of me; specifically, a potential mate.  I am twenty-four years old and I have put some thought into the idea of finding someone.  I have an amazing family, friends, a fulfilling job, and an incredible life.  However, one of the things many young cancer survivors have to think about is finding someone to accept them in their entirety; scars (both physical and emotional), fears, and potential cancer recurrences.  I know, I know, everyone has difficulty with this and no one likes to be lonely.  I am no exception, but it has certainly become more difficult.  I am not saying that there is nobody out there. I have tried dating since the cancer and I quickly realized that finding someone to accept scars and deal appropriately and maturely with physical deformities is quite difficult.  I am also incredibly concerned about allowing someone to love me.  Part of living with the fact that I had cancer at such a young age is living with the very real possibility of it returning either in the same place or in a different form.  I am constantly asking myself if it is wrong to enter into a relationship with someone who I may then unintentionally hurt by dying or forcing them to watch me go through treatment. Is it selfish of me to ask someone to accept me knowing that I could hurt them?  I’m not sure. 

My own self-image is also not conducive to finding a partner.  Many people assured me that losing my breast would become easier with time and that I would feel like a woman again, that I would go through a “redefining of womanhood.”  Maybe this is true for some, but it has certainly not been the case for me.  I am perfectly okay with no longer having a period and the prospect of being infertile for all of my life and I still feel feminine with my clothes on.  With my clothes off, it is a different story.  I think that I am a woman and I know that I am a woman, but it hard to validate that when what I see in the mirror is different than my previous conceptions of myself as a woman.  Don’t get me wrong, I have accepted my body; I just don’t necessarily like it. 

Aside from these rather dark thoughts, I am happy; perfectly and completely happy.  Becoming a teacher is perhaps one of the best things that has ever happened to me.  I am able to put my theories about kindness and love into practice and see the result.  I truly feel like I am making a difference in the world.  I live in a wonderful community and my “China family” is warm and comforting.  As Christmas comes closer and closer, I pay more attention to the blessings in my life.  I am truly blessed and this is reinforced through every smile, hug, and kind word I hear.  Thank you for helping me through this year.  Happy Cancerversary!  Please take time today to recognize the importance of our lives and be kind to someone (Yes, I’m being preachy.  Deal with it.). 

With love,

Michaela 

The End? Living Past the Fear

I am currently experiencing a multitude of conflicting feelings.  On the one hand having finished with radiation and not seeing any doctors for the next year is exhilarating.  I am beyond euphoric.  However, at the same time this is scary.  I finally get to move on with my life and chase those dreams that could so easily have only been dreams.  This is wonderful, but terrifying.  I have been held in a cocoon of doctors that have, “got my back” for so long it feels weird to be on the other side.  No, I am not totally out of the medical system.  I have one last reconstructive surgery a year from now, I will be taking pills every day for the next five years, and will have a check-up once a year for the rest of my life.  This feels like nothing compared to the amount of time I spent at hospitals, clinics, and treatment centers before.  As wonderful as it was to hear my oncologist say, “See you in a year!” it was also very strange.  I feel like my safety blanket of doctors and nurses is being ripped away from me.  Part of me just wants to huddle in a little ball and hope that nothing bad ever happens to me again.  

This entire experience has left me with a ridiculous amount of fear.  What if the cancer comes back?  Should I really be eating this?  Will this one drink bring it back?  I realize that this is silly.  A number of factors contribute to cancer.  No one will ever know what caused my cancer and no one will ever be able to know if it will come back.  Until then I have to try and live my life as best as I can.  However, that means recognizing and living with this fear inside of me.  I do not know if it will ever completely go away, but I will continue to try and live as if it is not there, to push through it if you will.  All that matters now is that I live the life that I have the opportunity to live.  Life is a privilege. 

On top of this new fear I have become both insanely confident and unconfident.  I do things now because I do not really give a damn what others think of my actions.  I do things for me.  Now this may seem a bit selfish, but I would never intentionally do something to hurt or offend someone else.  I am talking about little things such as dressing nicely, treating myself to a movie, dancing in public, etc.  I am much nicer to myself than I was before.  Happiness is important and I definitely take more time to be happy. 

On the other hand, I am far less confident about my body and its representation of myself.  I was proud of my body right before I was diagnosed.  I felt tall (I know I’m super short, but I did feel tall; especially in heels :P), strong, and beautiful.  Sure I was unhappy with this or that, but overall, my body seemed like an accurate representation of who I was on the inside.  Not so much anymore.  I do feel somewhat more feminine than right after my mastectomy.  However, the fact that I have to spend a ridiculous amount of time and money (Seriously, VS, you need to adjust your prices) trying to make my breasts look natural and even with each other for the next year is frustrating.  I am also often concerned that I might take an eye out.  I am not kidding here.  The expander is very stiff and hard and, although I do not intend to test this theory, could probably give someone a nice shiner...

I sometimes feel like I am acting the part of femininity instead of naturally being feminine.  Although, we all act out some form of femininity, masculinity, or both, we do not actively think about it.  I am sure that this will become more natural again.  It is just frustrating to have to re-adapt to being a person and not a cancer patient.  Returning to exercise is also a bit rough.  Running four miles a day is not really an option at the moment.  Although, I know that athleticism will come back with time and patience.  The return of my hair has definitely made things easier (I look like a baby shark, an adorable baby shark I might add).  People no longer look at me and think cancer patient.  I am not a cancer patient, not really anymore, but that feels weird too.  Like I said before, it is hard to get rid of that idea of being sick.  Being okay is new and hard and I will adapt.  My body will eventually be a part of me again, it just takes time.  Time that I actually have. 

So many people have greatly touched my heart throughout this experience that I truly cannot think of an adequate way to say thank you.  Professors[1], friends, family, doctors, nurses, and even complete strangers have shown an amount of love and kindness that is unbelievable unless personally experienced.  These people, all of you, have saved my life.  I mean it.  I would not be here today without the shear amount of absolute kindness you have shown me.  It is because of you that I have been able to be the positive, stubborn, little brat that I am.  People always tell me that they are proud of me and my shear will power, but honestly, it is not me that they should be proud of.  It is this amazing support system.  It is the fact that the world is filled with love and kindness that helped me through this whole ordeal.   

I am done with cancer.  Well, with the hard stuff anyway.  I just have reconstruction in about a year and pretty much my life has returned to normal. It is strange to think that I am normal, or at least slowly becoming normal, again.  I always wanted to be so different and unique and now I just want to get a chance to have a normal life.  I want to do all the things that I ever wanted to do.  So, I am doing them.  In about two weeks I am leaving the country to embark on a new section of my life.  I think it is time I experienced a new type of adventure.  I am so excited to see the world and be a part of a larger community than I ever could have imagined.  I promise to put my fear aside, enjoy the excitement, take full advantage of my ability to be healthy and to live the life that you have all given me.  The world is waiting and I am going to meet it. Hello, World.  My name is Michaela and I am ready to accept any challenges you can throw at me.    

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[1] I would like to thank the entire Knox Community for your support.  Knox College really did change my life and I know that I would not have been able to go through this without the skills that Knox gave me.  I would also like to point out that not many college classmates would individually reach out to a single student with cancer.  So many of you have contacted me throughout the last year.  Some of whom did not even spend a great deal of time with me.  Honestly, Knox is a true community.  There are not many places in this world that hold as much collective kindness as Knox College.  I love you. 

Hal? Yes, Michaela?

                I can’t help but feel that I am in a science fiction movie.  Radiation treatment is the most futuristic experience I have ever had (Sorry, Universal Studios).  Every day, I enter a huge doorway with a door at least a foot thick that reads, “Caution, High Radiation Area” on the front.  I walk through a brief hallway and there it is, the Linear Accelerator[1], or as I like to call it, Hal.  The room is dimly lit and red lasers shoot out from the four walls and the ceiling.  The entire room is one large grid.  In what little space isn’t taken up by Hal, there is a thin dark gray platform.  I lay down on the platform and raise my arm above my head while Hal’s attendant (the radiation technician) lines me up with the lasers.  Then she leaves the room, leaving me alone with Hal.  Hal’s gentle, machine hum changes into a series of whirs and clicks as he glides into position over my body. All the noise stops for a second and then is replaced with a high whine as Hal sends high levels of radiation through my body.  I receive three doses of radiation in three different sections of my right chest.  In-between each dose the technician comes in to check Hal.  The whole thing takes 15 minutes or less and then I go on my way. 

                Radiation treatment is probably the least scary thing about my cancer treatment so far.  It helps that I find the whole process fascinating in a, I’ve-read/watched-way-too-much-science-fiction sort of way.  Also, the side effects are nothing compared to chemotherapy.  I’m covered with permanent marker that the technician uses to line me up with the lasers, but other than freaking a few people out, that doesn’t hurt.  I have burn marks on my collar bone and what looks like a pretty bad sunburn/tan on the entire right side of my chest.  I constantly try to save my skin by applying liberal amounts of cocoa butter[2] and this icky Vaseline stuff[3] the doctor suggested.  Alas, I wander around looking like a greasy, short woman with oddly pointy hair (Yay for hair!).  It does not help matters that I tend to dress like a slob because the greasy lotion stains my clothes. This only makes me look like I have excessive amounts of boob sweat and shiny skin.  So if you see me out and about try not to stare or judge too fast.

                Greasy clothes, crazy hair, and odd tan lines aside, radiation is a piece of cake.  It does make me a little tired and gives me migraines, but these effects are easily taken care of with naps and over-the-counter headache medicine.  Today, everything got a lot easier.  I got my first boost!  This consists of concentrated radiation to the area of my mastectomy scar.  It takes less time than treating multiple sections of my chest and means that I am almost finished with radiation treatment!  It's kind of fun.  They put a cool extender on Hal filled with a composite of metals that block the treatment from touching anywhere else.  Really, I have never been more excited to be microwaved in my entire life.  Besides, who does not like a good boost every now and again?

                All bad science fiction films end.  This one is nearing its end.  I, the main character, have contracted a strange illness, a solution has been found, and now I am almost done receiving my futuristic treatment.  I have even been equipped with new parts (seriously, I feel like the bionic woman).  However, just like all bad science fiction films, there needs to be a sequel.  Although I do not intend for my cancer to come back, I hope to fill the sequel with old as well as new characters, and unlike most science fiction sequels, an entirely new plot. 

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[1] http://www.radiologyinfo.org/en/info.cfm?pg=linac

[2] I find that Palmer’s Cocoa Butter works the best.  You can get it in big tubs at almost any store like Target, Walmart, Kmart, Walgreens, etc.

[3] Eucerine Cream – I didn’t find that this worked as well as the cocoa butter.  It’s also far nastier and greasy and feels gross on my skin.  However, some people find it works great.  So whatever works.  

Pandora's Damn Box

When people think of cancer they inevitably think of death.  At first, I was afraid of death.  I was afraid to even mention it.  However, after spending time in the chemo lounge and looking at the examples the other cancer patients made, death became a little bit easier to deal with.  I never really had to think about death before I had cancer.  I mean yes, I had been in a couple of car accidents and other scary things like that, but I never had to actually recognize death.  It was as if death was a box on the shelf that I occasionally took down and thought about organizing, but never really took the time do so.  After being diagnosed with cancer all of that changed.  I have been forced to look through the box and nothing is going to change the fact that I could die and even if I survived this round, the cancer may come back later and finish me off.  It is rarely talked about in the Chemo Lounge and my doctor was extra careful about never mentioning it, but other people are not so tactful.  People with cancer do die.  It happens more often than I would like to think about, but I quickly found out that it’s a subject you cannot avoid. 

Ironically, one of the people that helped me the most to accept my own inevitable death was a cousin of mine that I never even got to know.  Her name was Pam.  She had had cancer before and gone through treatment.  Unfortunately, it came back and this time she was not responding to treatment and the cancer had spread.  I was stunned when I heard this from my mother as I had only ever heard the nicest things about this woman.  I was also, understandably, terrified.  A little while later Pam’s mom and my aunt (yet another wonderful person) died.  At her visitation all of my aunt’s daughters were lined up to receive our good wishes and, of course, Pam was among them.  I’m not going to lie; I was scared out of my mind.  I had nothing but admiration for this woman who was the embodiment of my greatest fear.  However, as we stood in line getting closer and closer I watched her.  She seemed serene and kind sitting in her wheel chair with family and well-wishers surrounding her.  I timidly stepped up to her, leaned over and shook her hand.  We briefly made eye-contact.  I smiled sadly into her eyes and moved on.  The interaction only lasted a few seconds, but it was life changing for me.  Her look seemed to say that she completely understood and that it was okay.  I spent considerable time thinking about this interaction for the next few days and several tears and a panic attack later I realized that she was right.  It is okay.  I am going to die and I am going to be okay with that.  I realize that I am not going to die anytime soon thanks to my wonderful doctors and the support of family and friends, but someday, I am going to die and it’s fine.  Not to say that I will not be disappointed and that I am not scared, but I am okay with dying. 

The main reason I am so okay with dying is that I took the time to think, I mean really think, about my life so far.  To be honest I have been lucky to live the life that I have led.  I have had so many wonderful experiences traveling, I have amazing parents, great friends and family and I have been given the opportunity to have a fantastic education.  The most important thing that I have experienced, however, is people.  I love people.  My whole life I have loved people.  I have spent hours watching people and wondering why they do the things they do.  I enjoy watching people interact with and watch other people even more than I enjoy anything else.  I like watching people work together to complete a task.  I like watching people make connections.  Even more than that, I like making connections with other people.  Throughout my life I have had the opportunity to make several of these connections and receive an immeasurable amount of kindness from them.  These interactions only fuel a desire in me to make further connections and spread their kindness throughout the world.  People matter.  That’s it.  There is nothing else more important in this world to me than people.  When I look back on my life and see all the amazing people I had a chance to meet and see all the amazing things I have seen happen to these people I am happy.  I am genuinely happy for others.  This happiness fills me with so much joy and warmth that it makes everything worthwhile.  My life has been worthwhile because of this.  Therefore, it is okay for me to die.  Sure there are things I have yet to do and want to do.  There are things that I will definitely do, especially now that I do not anticipate dying from cancer at this time, but regardless of whether or not I get to do so, if and when I die it will be okay.  It will be okay because my life has meaning.  My life has meaning because other people have given it meaning and they have given me something that no matter how long or short my life is I can experience again and again.  I would have to say that my life is pretty complete regardless of whether or not I achieve all of my goals simply because the primary goal, that of experiencing others, has been met. 

Recognizing my own death and learning to be okay with it has certainly had an impact.  Being around people in my age group is strange.  It isn’t that they don’t try to understand, they just haven’t had to come to terms with their own mortality in the same way that I have.  Some of them have, but the majority has not and they just seem so innocent.  They experience happiness in a take-it-for-granted way that makes me burn with jealousy.  I watch them live in and move their bodies with beauty, ease and complete abandonment.  This is not something I can do now, or think I will ever be able to do again.  I am working towards a body that does not hurt or is not limited by my experience with cancer, but it will take some time before I can move with such ease and athleticism again.  Even then, I don’t think I will be capable of taking it for granted.  Now that I have had this experience, every minute and every action has a certain weight to it.  There is heaviness, or meaning in everything I do, every word I speak, and every person I touch.  Life itself has come to be heavy.  Heavy in a good way.  It is almost like a genuine appreciation that I carry around with me, a box if you will.  I appreciate everything and everyone.  I appreciate that I am able to talk, be spoken to, act and be acted upon.  I can never take anything for granted again.  This is why it is so strange to interact with others, especially those who are my age or younger.  They have a certain amount of innocence that surrounds them.  It is both beautiful and sad to me.  I wish I could go back sometimes to being like that, but I can’t.  A big part of me doesn’t want to because I now know how important everything is.  I know the true beauty of being able to experience the sun on my skin, the wind, a hug.  Not just experiencing it, but fully living in these moments.  Like I said, there is heaviness.  However, I think this is a good thing.  I thought I understood before.  I thought that I didn’t take anything for granted and that I was mature and “adult” (whatever that means because I have certainly met adults who don’t have these feelings either), but I did take everything for granted and I was definitely not the adult that I thought I was.  Life is truly beautiful and it only took the recognition of my own death to make me realize how lovely it really is.  

I don’t know when I am going to die.  I’m glad that it is not going to be anytime soon.  However, I have to say that I will miss those that I have lost so far.  The sad fact about cancer is that people do die and some of those that I have come to know from this experience have died and/or are dying.  I am sad because I will not get to see them again.  I am sad because they do not get the privilege of interacting with others anymore.  However, I know that it is okay in the end because they were amazing people and got to experience many wonderful connections with others.  I am not sure if Pam realized what an impact she had on my life that day.  She died about a month or two later.  I went to her visitation and learned how very important she was to the world.  Her community loved her and so did her family.  She was known for being kind, wise, and understanding.  She truly made the most of her ability to connect with others.  I can only hope that I make as many meaningful connections has she did.  Looking at her connections with others only further reinforced the importance of people.  People make life worth living and the interactions that one has with people make it okay to die.  I fully appreciate my life and the opportunity I have been given to live for just a little bit longer.  I promise to do my best to take this privilege and run with it.  

Awkward Shopping Trips: What Breast Friends are For.

My plastic surgeon recently told me that she wants me to buy a bra that is roughly the size and shape that I wish to be next year when the reconstruction done.  Sadly, because of my chest size she will not be able to make my breasts even unless I go a bit bigger than I am.  Also, in the future if I gain any weight I will look strange with a smaller chest and a bigger waist.  Therefore, I am now in the market for bigger breasts.  I have mixed feelings about this, but then again, I tend to have mixed feelings about everything.  At least by providing my plastic surgeon with a bra she has an idea of what to shoot for when she’s pumping me full of saline and also has a limit for how much bigger I want to be. 

As soon as I was diagnosed with breast cancer my friends were super excited about the prospect of helping me pick out new breasts.  Therefore, it only made sense to call these friends and invite them on my breast shopping excursion.  Away we went to a department store looking for a cheap bra that will double as a model for my surgeon.  Two friends opted to come with me (one, I shall call Jane and the other, Joe).  The three of us wandered around the store looking at bras.  Honestly, if anyone ever wants to see how absurd our world really is then they should wander around the lingerie department.  Everything was covered in zebra stripes, sequins, glitter you name it and I bet you could find it there.  Also, why does every bra have so much padding?   To quote a friend’s mother, “There must be several disappointed young men around.”  After some finicky searching, I finally took the few that I found without padding into the dressing room.  This task was awkward because I would try on a bra, put my shirt on over it, and then come out and ask my friends what they thought.  I’m sure that anyone in the dressing room or passing by thought that we were absolutely nuts.  Our comments were not exactly of the usual kind you hear in a dressing room.  However, I did manage to find one bra slightly bigger than I currently am that seemed okay.  You would think that I would be done, but oohhh no, Joe insisted on parading me around the store just to make sure I could be comfortable with these new accouterments.  Joe and I proceeded to the men’s department while I attempted to keep myself from looking like I was wearing un-purchased, over-sized, store merchandise under my clothes.  It has been my experience that this practice is generally frowned upon and I was mortally afraid of getting caught and trying to explain myself to the store clerks.  We continued on to discuss ties and shirts as if everything was cool.  However, it was a struggle to keep myself from crossing my arms over my chest or to keep my face in check. 

On our walk back to the dressing room the unexpected happened.  Someone I went to high school with was waiting outside the dressing room for his girlfriend.  Also, there was a line outside the dressing room, meaning that Jane was stuck inside, guarding my dressing room and that we were holding everyone up.   Not knowing what to do, I had Joe take a sudden hard turn and figured that, maybe if we walked around the store a bit more things would be better and the dressing rooms would be empty (especially of people I used to know) by the time we got back.  Sadly, this did not happen and before I could escape, my brother who had been in the store doing his own shopping elsewhere said, “Look, Michaela, it’s so and so.”  There was no escape this time.  I did what had to be done.  I straightened my shoulders, quickly made sure my oversized bra was straight and marched passed him into the dressing room giving him a quick nod and a “How’s it going?” as I went by. When I rounded the corner into the dressing room I found the door open, but could not see Jane inside.  I peeked around the door and found Jane awkwardly hiding behind the door.  I asked her what she was doing and she explained that she didn’t know what to do as everyone came in and saw her standing there, but not trying anything on.  I asked her why she did not close the door and pretend that she might be trying something on, but she said that she felt it was too late by that time and therefore, could do nothing but stand in the corner hoping we returned soon.  Of course, we did not return quickly because I was desperately trying to avoid meeting anyone I knew.  She was left, standing there hoping that we would return and trying to avoid looking people in the eye.  I quickly changed back into my normal, comfortable bra size and we got out of the store.  So yeah, mission accomplished.  Although, I have to admit, buying new breasts was a lot more fun and even more awkward than I imagined it would be.