I am currently experiencing a multitude of conflicting
feelings. On the one hand having finished
with radiation and not seeing any doctors for the next year is exhilarating. I am beyond euphoric. However, at the same time this is scary. I finally get to move on with my life and
chase those dreams that could so easily have only been dreams. This is wonderful, but terrifying. I have been held in a cocoon of doctors that have,
“got my back” for so long it feels weird to be on the other side. No, I am not totally out of the medical
system. I have one last reconstructive
surgery a year from now, I will be taking pills every day for the next five years, and will have
a check-up once a year for the rest of my life.
This feels like nothing compared to the amount of time I spent at hospitals, clinics, and treatment centers before. As wonderful as it was to hear my oncologist
say, “See you in a year!” it was also very strange. I feel like my safety blanket of doctors and
nurses is being ripped away from me.
Part of me just wants to huddle in a little ball and hope that nothing
bad ever happens to me again.
This entire experience has left me with a ridiculous amount
of fear. What if the cancer comes
back? Should I really be eating
this? Will this one drink bring it
back? I realize that this is silly. A number of factors contribute to
cancer. No one will ever know what
caused my cancer and no one will ever be able to know if it will come
back. Until then I have to try and live
my life as best as I can. However, that
means recognizing and living with this fear inside of me. I do not know if it will ever completely go
away, but I will continue to try and live as if it is not there, to push
through it if you will. All that matters
now is that I live the life that I have the opportunity to live. Life is a privilege.
On top of this new fear I have become both insanely confident and
unconfident. I do things now because I
do not really give a damn what others think of my actions. I do things for me. Now this may seem a bit selfish, but I would
never intentionally do something to hurt or offend someone else. I am talking about little things such as
dressing nicely, treating myself to a movie, dancing in public, etc. I am much nicer to myself than I was
before. Happiness is important and I
definitely take more time to be happy.
On the other hand, I am far less confident about my body and
its representation of myself. I was proud
of my body right before I was diagnosed.
I felt tall (I know I’m super short, but I did feel tall; especially in
heels :P), strong, and beautiful. Sure I
was unhappy with this or that, but overall, my body seemed like an accurate
representation of who I was on the inside.
Not so much anymore. I do feel
somewhat more feminine than right after my mastectomy. However, the fact that I have to spend a
ridiculous amount of time and money (Seriously, VS, you need to adjust your
prices) trying to make my breasts look natural and even with each other for the
next year is frustrating. I am also
often concerned that I might take an eye out.
I am not kidding here. The
expander is very stiff and hard and, although I do not intend to test this
theory, could probably give someone a nice shiner...
I sometimes feel like I am acting the part of femininity
instead of naturally being feminine. Although, we all act out some form of femininity, masculinity, or both, we do not actively think about it. I am sure that this will become more natural again. It is just frustrating to have to re-adapt to being a person and not a cancer patient. Returning
to exercise is also a bit rough. Running
four miles a day is not really an option at the moment. Although, I know that athleticism will come
back with time and patience. The return
of my hair has definitely made things easier (I look like a baby shark, an adorable
baby shark I might add). People no
longer look at me and think cancer patient.
I am not a cancer patient, not really anymore, but that feels weird
too. Like I said before, it is hard to
get rid of that idea of being sick.
Being okay is new and hard and I will adapt. My body will eventually be a part of me
again, it just takes time. Time that I
actually have.
So many people have greatly touched my heart throughout this
experience that I truly cannot think of an adequate way to say thank you. Professors[1],
friends, family, doctors, nurses, and even complete strangers have shown an
amount of love and kindness that is unbelievable unless personally experienced. These people, all of you, have saved my life. I mean it.
I would not be here today without the shear amount of absolute kindness
you have shown me. It is because of you
that I have been able to be the positive, stubborn, little brat that I am. People always tell me that they are proud of
me and my shear will power, but honestly, it is not me that they should be
proud of. It is this amazing support
system. It is the fact that the world is
filled with love and kindness that helped me through this whole ordeal.
I am done with cancer.
Well, with the hard stuff anyway.
I just have reconstruction in about a year and pretty much my life has
returned to normal. It is strange to think that I am normal, or at least slowly
becoming normal, again. I always wanted
to be so different and unique and now I just want to get a chance to have a
normal life. I want to do all the things
that I ever wanted to do. So, I am doing
them. In about two weeks I am leaving
the country to embark on a new section of my life. I think it is time I experienced a new type of adventure. I am so excited to see the world
and be a part of a larger community than I ever could have imagined. I promise to put my fear aside, enjoy the
excitement, take full advantage of my ability to be healthy and to live the
life that you have all given me. The
world is waiting and I am going to meet it. Hello, World. My name is Michaela and I am ready to accept
any challenges you can throw at me.
[1] I
would like to thank the entire Knox Community for your support. Knox College really did change my life and I
know that I would not have been able to go through this without the skills that
Knox gave me. I would also like to point
out that not many college classmates would individually reach out to a single
student with cancer. So many of you have
contacted me throughout the last year. Some
of whom did not even spend a great deal of time with me. Honestly, Knox is a true community. There are not many places in this world that
hold as much collective kindness as Knox College. I love you.
No comments:
Post a Comment