I was so excited for this cancerversary. I had already started writing my blog about how happy I was with the reconstructive surgery and my wonderful, new job in China. I was super excited about my improved body image and ready to share my happiness with all of you. Unfortunately, all that ended with the onslaught of intense stomach pain. I finally went to the emergency room with a couple of friends of mine. Following this experience came a total of five days in and out of a Chinese hospital (NEVER AGAIN) for tests and conversations with doctors. They all explained that there was something in my stomach and that it looked like cancer. That’s it, I was on a plane home four days later and had blood tests and a PET scan scheduled by the oncologist immediately after I returned. Yep, my cancer is back and this time it’s stage four. My oncologist explained to me that I probably only had 1-3 years to live and to be prepared for that. So, yeah, apparently Sven was just biding his time and had tucked evil, alien babies away to surprise attack later.
So let me just take a moment to explain how I feel about this whole situation and if you do not appreciate foul language I suggest you skip this paragraph. Fuck cancer, fuck it all. I am not exactly sad so much as pissed. While many people are greatly saddened by this news, I am just mad. I’m not mad because I’m dying. I’m mad because I have too much to do. I am going to do something with my life. I was going to run a marathon before I’m thirty , I was going to get my PHD and do research that changes the way we see the world and now cancer is all, “Ah ha ha ha ha, I’ll get you my pretty and your little dreams too.” Fuck you cancer. This isn’t the end though. I still have 1-3 years definitely and maybe more. Honestly, I’m going to try for the more because I have something better than hope. I have this little thing called drive. Ambition and stubbornness fuels my life force and that’s something that not even stage four cancer can take away from me. I will –literally- die fighting and reaching for my goals. I may not get into grad school (I mean who would accept a dying student?), but I will strive to meet as many new goals as I can. I will win. Even if I die, I win. There is no losing when the stakes are this high.
As for what I’ve done with my time since finding out? Well, I have taken some time to relax and be at home. My stomach is in a lot of pain and so is my lower back (thank you alien tumor babies) and I get tired after thirty minutes or so of moving around. So, yes, relaxation and pajamas have been my friends. However, I have also spent a great deal of time reconnecting with the people I love and soaking in everyone’s support. This is far more healing than the pain killers they gave me and I am, once again, struck by how wonderful humanity is. I also purchased a puppy. She will be here on Friday and I couldn’t be happier! I little bit of adorable puppiness can only be a good thing at this point. Maybe I have been a little bit selfish this week, but I truly appreciate the selflessness of all of you. Thank you so much and welcome to my battlefield.